Friday, June 28, 2013

Book Sacrifice!!

Well yesterday when I was frantically searching through my books to find everything on the list, I got reacquainted with some of the books that I own and really REALLY hate. I have this problem where I never get rid of any books even if I dislike them. It just feels wrong to me, but now that I have lots of books and a serious lack of space I think I might cull the herd. As I was writing down and taking pictures of the books for the scavenger hunt, I also did the same for those books that made me want to gag.

I planned on doing a post of the list of books I would burn if it were a tundra climate and I needed to survive. Then I found something called The Book Sacrifice Tag on Youtube and it's the same concept that I originally had, only more creative. I'll give credit where credit is due and the creator of this tag can be found here:

The point of this tag is there are a bunch of hypothetical situations that all require you to sacrifice a book. I decided to mix it up and add a few scenarios of my own. For a few of these, I obviously couldn't resist using more than one book. I also don't own all of the books I will mention, which I consider quite lucky because they sucked hardcore.*Note I will probably spoil plotlines of these books. You have been warned.* So let the hilarity and hatred ENSUE!!

1) Zombie Apocalypse! Let's say you're in a book store, just browsing, when BAM! ZOMBIE ATTACK. An announcement comes over the PA System saying that the military has discovered that the zombies' only weakness is over-hyped books. What book that everyone else says is amazing but you really hated do you start chucking at the zombies knowing that it will count as an over-hyped book and successfully wipe them out?!

The Time Traveler's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger!!!!

So yeah. It turned out I rather hated this really REALLY hated it. It all just went downhill after the passage I ranted about in my Miming Intelligence Factor post. I also hated on it when I reviewed it at Goodreads: What this book boils down to is a lot of misplaced hype, descriptions that should have been edited out, and characters that just aren't dynamic enough to carry the overused romantic plotline hidden under the guise of a sci-fi time traveler story. It deserves to be covered in decaying zombie flesh.
The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho
Another book that can go to the Zombies. So many people raved about it and I just had to see what everybody was talking about. Apparently, they have never read a great book before. I find it hard to classify this as literature because it's just a crappy self help book disguised as almost a novella.
Now don't get me wrong I love stories that have an inner moral message and protagonists that go on life changing stories. I love learning something new and important from their adventures. I just don't like stories that slap you in the face every two pages with another moral or another piece of advice on your personal life journey or "personal legend" as this "book" likes to call it.

2)  Let's say you've just left the salon with a SMASHING new haircut and BOOM: Torrential downpour. What standalone are you willing to use as an umbrella to protect yourself?

The DUFF by Kody Keplinger

I HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE this book!!! GAAAAAHHHHH!!!! I saw a friend of mine reading this and I was all like "Is that a good book?" and they were all like "It's pretty awesome." 15 bucks and a night of reading later that friendship was never ever the same. It had so much potential. The premise of the "fat," sarcastic, intelligent main character Bianca rejecting the douche-bag popular boy Wesley was amazing and then it was ruined. Instead, she gets involved with Wesley who insults her and she basically has hate sex with him to escape her abusive alcoholic father. WHAT WHAT!!!!  Then it gets revealed that he has a troubled past and then it supposedly makes everything okay and she can love him!! Not to mention nothing gets done about the fact that her father hits her. I can't even...this book is so terrible in so many ways and must be sacrificed now!

3) Let's say you're in a lecture and your English teacher is going on and on about how this classic changed the world, how it revolutionized literature and you get so sick of it that you chuck the classic right at their face because you know what? This classic is stupid and it's worth detention just to show everyone how you feel! What Classic did you chuck?
Well I've had a ton of English classes and I think that gives me permission to throw three different classics that I detest.

Romeo and Juliet by William Shakespeare

This particular classic will be thrown at my 9th grade teacher. I have nothing against good old Billy Shakespeare. I love a lot of his plays and immensely enjoy studying them, except for this one. It is unfortunate that this play is usually every high schooler's introduction to his work. I'd like to think what happened was Billy sat down to write a great play and then BAM!! Invasion of the Brain Snatchers. Aliens took his brain and mindlessly he penned this romantic crap. After an intense study, they promptly returned it and he continued to write. I thought of this play first because this morning I found out that West Side Story was on and being a classic movie lover I sat down to see what the hype was about, despite the fact that it is based on this play. 2 AND A HALF HOURS LATER and some illogical dancing, singing gang members, I lost all faith in humanity.

The Old Man and the Sea by Ernest Hemingway

 I read this piece of crap in my 11th grade English class and my teacher was convinced it was a deep philosophical novel that had to be read 10 pages at a time, which dragged out this less than 200 page book for almost a month...A MONTH!!! What I find so strange is that I thoroughly enjoy Hemingway's short stories. Snows of Kilimanjaro, Hills Like White Elephants AMAZING. This is just a sparse novella with no character development that is a giant tease. Over 100 pages of him trying to catch this marlin and at the end IT'S ALL FOR NOTHING. Never again.

The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain
 That's right I went there Mark Twain. I read this book in my freshman writing course at college and couldn't not stand it. I enjoyed The Adventures of Tom Sawyer, but this one ugh!! Dear old Twain insulted one of my favorite books and my beloved Austen in general when he actually said "Everytime I read 'Pride and Prejudice' I want to dig her up and beat her over the skull with her own shin-bone." Well every time I read this book or hear all of the praise about it I want to dig you up and beat you over the head with your shin bone! I will let part of my Goodreads review round out this part of the sacrifice: The problem was there was little to no plotline. Any semblance of an interesting story was muddled by the ridiculously stupid episodes that had little to do with Jim's freedom. Chapter 16...yeah a complete waste of ten minutes of my life I will never get back. This book is supposed to be a serious commentary on race that is meant to spark interesting discussions. It did not in fact do this so SACRIFICE!! 

4) Your mortal enemy is chasing after you and in order to escape them you run up to the top of the tallest building in your area. You look down to see your enemy on the sidewalk below. If you time it right you can throw a book down and stop them right in their tracks. Which book, that you had high expectations for, but ultimately let you down, do you throw?

Wide Sargasso Sea by Jean Rhys

I had so many expectations for this book before reading it because I am a huge fan of Jane Eyre. I was always curious about the point of view of Bertha because Charlotte Bronte never really explored her as a character. She was just a way to complicate Jane and Rochester's relationship and I wanted to know what drove her to madness and what she was thinking about as Jane and Rochester got closer. So I picked this up and was promptly disappointed.The part that most interested me (Her time spent at Thornfield) was barely even addressed. It was like an afterthought that the author decided to include. By the time I finished this book, I was completely convinced Jean Rhys just needed an excuse to set a story in the Caribbean and thought Bertha would be it. She spends more time talking about the politics and flora and fauna of the time period than she does on character development. I still cannot get over how awful this book is and that it does not deserve the attention it has garnered.

5) One random boring day a time travel machine suddenly appears with a note that says "It is imperative that you travel back in time to save all of the wonderful intellectual books burned throughout history. The only catch is that you have to chose one modern day series to take their place" Which series do you doom to repeated burnings?

Fifty Shades of Grey Series by E.L. James

This series is the bane of my entire existence. Every time I see someone post on facebook about how amazing this series is or how Christian Grey *cough Edward Cullen cough cough* is the perfect man, I want hurt people. I seriously can't believe this shitty Twilight fan-fic is a bestseller. The world would be a better place if these were all burned and everybody forgot about them. I won't even attempt to list the millions of reasons why this book is so TERRIBLE. I will instead direct you to one of my favorite bloggers who breaks down chapter by chapter why Fifty Shades is awful from a writing stand point and because of the whole abusive relationship running throughout. 

You didn't click the link did you? I'm sending waves of guilt and peer pressure your way. You know you need to check it out.

6) Let's say that you're hanging out at the library when BAM climate change happens and the world outside becomes a frozen wasteland. You're trapped and your only chance for survival is to burn a book. What sequel in a book series do you first run to and not fully regret setting aflame?

City of Fallen Angels by Cassandra Clare
The first time I tried taking the picture, this happened. It was like the book knew that I wanted to set it ablaze and the universe conspired to make it look so...or maybe my camera flash freaked out. I tend to believe the first explanation. Here is a plain, easier to see, but less exciting picture of the book.

If it were not for the lure of greed and cashing in on us poor defenseless readers, you wouldn't exist. AAAARRRRGGGHHH!!! Imagine this: An avid reader in high school is in the midst of some YA slumming and ignorant of all the plagiarism allegations picks up City of Bones. A little bummed that it's part of yet ANOTHER series, she puts it back. Later on this reader finds out the series has long been finished and excitedly goes to the library, checks the series out, reads all three books one after another, then promptly moves on to another book, only to realize a year or so later the series is continued!!! Yeah that sad, angry reader is me obviously. Maybe I would have been forgiving if this sequel were worth the continuation of the whole series, but it wasn't. I'm just going to pretend the series is still completed, mentally burn this book, and probably not see the movie adaption because I have this sinking feeling it might turn out to be a twilight-like craze of epically sad, estrogen filled codependent female proportions.

THE BOOK SACRIFICE IS NOW COMPLETE!!! Shockingly my caps button is not quite broken yet. Hopefully you enjoyed this and I challenge you to decide what books you would sacrifice in every given scenario.